The Heartless has come

Well I've been at work all day again today, but I thought I would let you see the things I write when I can't sleep. Bear in mind both of these were written at about 2am, when I really should have been asleep, they probably don't make any sense or at least they won't make an sense until its 2am and I can't sleep once more, being mostly just a record of re-occuring themes in my thoughts more than anything else.

After re-reading these if probably not best to read them if you get easily upset, (who would have though my diary would come with a warning label) they are definatly part of my darker side, however if you do feel the urge to read them make sure you read both of them.

This ones from 2 nights ago, 2am, 05/04/07:

"I keep getting this distanced feeling, like somehow the world isn't real or I'm not part of it. I keep wondering if thats because I'm actually living a dream and this is me slowly realising that. I really do wish I woke up in one of my dreams and all of this turned out to me one big dream, my whole life the figment of someone else's imagination. Even if I wake up and it turned out I'd (the 'real' me) had been in a comaand things weren't looking so good, hence the sudden turn towards the land of nightmares, Maybe I'm just feeling distant because this is me remembering my whole life as I lie there dying. I'm lying there dying an old man and I'm forced to re-live every horrid moment of my life as it slowly fades away. I'm lying there 3 weeks from now in a hospital bed, the doctors telling my parents its a miracle I'm still alive after taking so much heroin and theres not much more that they can do, and I'm re-living the last few weeks of my life trying to figure out if I could ever have been saved or whether this had always been planned; after all its not suicide if someone else pulls the plug"

This one is from last night, 3am, 06/04/07, and luckily its a little more positive than its pre-decessor:

"I've got that same distanced feeling except this time it isn't scary, everything seems new, shiney almost. I'm like a kid, I just want to look at all the pretty things in my room, look with my hands, pick them up, feel the paper, find out how the toys work.

Then I look over and see my collection of miniature alcohol bottles, sure my attraction to them maybe something childish, but their very being there proves I'm a child no longer.

Theres like two people in my head, the kid in me whos been firmly in place these past 19 years, and the aduly me, the darkness in me trying to uproot that and take hold.

This lack of sleep is not helping me, not at all."


Well at least it more positive when contrasted with the first entry. Darkness seems to be a re-occuring theme in my thoughts lately, not to meantion the 'distanced' feeling I can't even beging to describe. Only time will tell what it means, I just hope it goes away soon, I upset much fewer people when I'm happy... But is that 'me'?

On a MUCH lighter note does any one wish this happened in real-life?



Maybe that will be in my Dream tonight.

Impulse
Gilette